Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Horse lover Heaven

Quintessential Englishness.
Or English Countryside-ness at the very least, or how it should be, in my mind anyway.

The prettiest gingerbread house with rescued battery-farm chickens happily scuttling around the most perfect garden.
Two snoozing dogs each in their own chair in a colourful & bright open plan living area with a perpetually hot stove, teapot always at the ready. 
And horses! 

It's too bad I only met P. in September ... back then I didn't know I'd leave only 2 months later.
We found each other through a friend of a friend on Facebook. 
She was looking for someone to go riding with, since 5 horses is a bit much for one person on her own.
I was totally up for it.

As you can imagine, when you feel your relationship starting to crumble, it's a real luxury to be able to forget about it all once a week and go for a lovely hack in nature, in what soon appeared to be the loveliest company. 

What do you think my chances are of finding such a win-win situation in France? 😇

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Life lessons

Today is the first day I can allow myself to grieve.
Today I don’t have any plans, I’m by myself and I can just sit down and let everything wash over me.
It’s the first day I can fully contemplate the consequences of my decision.

That decision was to leave England.
To leave a relationship.
To leave the life I’ve been busy building for the last 20 months.
A relationship that maybe I was a little naive to dive headfirst into, as I did. 
A life that maybe I wouldn’t have constructed the way I did had I not been part of the dynamic I was part of. 
Part of me wants to be the kind of person who holds on, who tries, who fights, who never gives up.
The reality is however, that the part of me that wants to be free always wins.

Why do I always find myself in situations I don’t feel free?
Or maybe the question is, why don’t I feel free when I’m in a relationship?
Have I not found the right kind of relationship yet?
Or am I the kind of woman who just needs to be on her own?

Right now I’m back at my mum’s.
Back to Base, as she calls it. 
Curiously enough my sister arrived the day before I did. Without planning to. 
Needing to be here for reasons completely her own. 

There’s probably more lessons to be learned here for the 3 of us than anywhere else in the world. 
About love. About family & belonging. 
About letting go. About being vulnerable yet strong. 
About deep breaths & tolerance. 
About non-attachment, non-judgement. 
About being ourselves.