Sunday, December 2, 2018

Life lessons

Today is the first day I can allow myself to grieve.
Today I don’t have any plans, I’m by myself and I can just sit down and let everything wash over me.
It’s the first day I can fully contemplate the consequences of my decision.

That decision was to leave England.
To leave a relationship.
To leave the life I’ve been busy building for the last 20 months.
A relationship that maybe I was a little naive to dive headfirst into, as I did. 
A life that maybe I wouldn’t have constructed the way I did had I not been part of the dynamic I was part of. 
Part of me wants to be the kind of person who holds on, who tries, who fights, who never gives up.
The reality is however, that the part of me that wants to be free always wins.

Why do I always find myself in situations I don’t feel free?
Or maybe the question is, why don’t I feel free when I’m in a relationship?
Have I not found the right kind of relationship yet?
Or am I the kind of woman who just needs to be on her own?

Right now I’m back at my mum’s.
Back to Base, as she calls it. 
Curiously enough my sister arrived the day before I did. Without planning to. 
Needing to be here for reasons completely her own. 

There’s probably more lessons to be learned here for the 3 of us than anywhere else in the world. 
About love. About family & belonging. 
About letting go. About being vulnerable yet strong. 
About deep breaths & tolerance. 
About non-attachment, non-judgement. 
About being ourselves.

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